mi alma, mi corazon
It's the weirdest feeling being home. I'm torn between two cities, and i think i will feel this way for a long time. My time in Granada completely changed my life. I no longer see myself on a set and continuous path towards the future of living in some city somewhere, being a psychologist, getting married and having this safe secure lifestyle. Maybe it willhappen like that. Maybe it won't. But the point is, it doesn't have to. I can pick up one day and just go, there's nothing that ever really holds us back from just leaving. Sure, our friends, our family, people who care about us, but if they know us well enough, they will know we need to go. Just to get out for a little while, to step out of the hard shells of our lives and see the world momentarily from a nother view. It is only when we leave ourselves behind that we truely understand who we are. Granada helped me discover certain things about myself, about the way i see other people, the way i see the world and the way I see my self.
I know have a new found interest in countries that previously were "scary". Countries that our president calls "Axis of Evil". I am not interested in politics. I am interested in people. I am interested because I have met and had conversations with people from Syria, from Siberia, from Lebanon, from Israel, from Bosnia, from Morrocco. I can't say I understand them, because no one can really understand fully the way another culture is without living there and experiencing it first hand. No, i certainly don't understand them, nor do i fully understand their countrys politics. What I have come to understand, however, is that the bonds of humanity really do extend to every differnt country. Sounds obvious, sounds stupid. But the next time that know-it-all preppy asshole or some anarchist political punk kid says "there will never be peace in the middle east, we should just blow it all up" I'll be ready for them. In the US, we are so isolated that we forget the humanity of others. Iraq? Iran? Afghanistan? Syria? We hear all about the terrorists and radicals that come from these countries. We hear about all the anti-american sentiment, we hear about how they mistreat the women, how they strap bombs to themselves and kill everything and everyone. We talk about these countries as if they were all desert and warzone. We don't realize that we are talking about people's homes. Peoples actual homes with kitchens, and beds and tvs and chairs. Filled with families. Filled with people who are just trying to survive, people who are apart from their government. It occured to me while talking with a man from Siberia, who immediately wrote me off as soon as I mentioned I was american. "we're enemies" he said. And though its to be expected, it just really bugged me that someone could just lump me in with my government like that. And thats when it occured to me. As americans, we do that all the time to people.Not even just to people from other countries: we do it to ourselves. We lump anyone with brown skin into this category of "danger!" I mentioned to my mom that I wanted to go to Lebanon to learn Arabic and she freaked out. Lebanon is too dangerous, the people there are different than us. But the point is that they aren't really that different. Underneath the cultural differences, the political restrictions, the warzone and the danger, people are just people.
And so now I don't really know what I want to do with my life. Granada gave me the opportunity to leave everything I knew behind, to put myself in a place so foriegn that even I was a stranger to myself. It broke me apart, and helped me sort out the pieces. And now I am left glueing myself back together, looking at individual parts, keeping the ones I like, changing the ones I don't. It's so strange to be back in my old room. I look around and I don't really fully understand the girl who lived there before. Timid, shy, scared of other people, scared of herself. Unsure of what to do with her life, looking for security and acceptance. That was who I was. And I don't know why I was that way. But this is how I am now. Not completely different (I'm still a little shy, still overly polite and respectful, still softspoken) but different enough that my mother have noticed a change. I guess I just grew up a bit more. There are somethings I am more sure of than ever before: 1. Music is an important part of my life. I was silly to leave my violin at home and silly to have quit playing jazz. 2. Many aspects of american culture make me uncomfortable. These aspects are obvious (the size of everything, the point of view of people, the media, the politics etc). 3. Many aspects of american culture make me feel better. These aspects are also obvious (the music, the youth movements, non-profit organizations etc). 3. I must pursue a job that involves international travel. I love meeting people too much to stick to one country. 4. I need to be on my own for many more years before getting in a relationship with anyone. As much as I enjoy being around people, it has been made very clear to me that my independence is most important. Therefore, I need to find a way to live independently and comfortably before I let someone else in my life.
When some people go abroad, it's just a vacation. It's time to go get drunk with american kids in bars in another country. For others, it's a time to learn academics in another system, time to go to a school with an international name, to learn a language in a country. For me, it was much much more than that. I realize now that it was more about meeting people than anything else. To make connections with people who I would have never met. To see perspectives of those whose perspective is ignored by the american public. To put myself in uncomfortable situations, to take risks, to ask questions and seek after something that may only be a feeling, or may be destiny. Studying and living abroad was like looking at myself through a mirror, identifying, observing and accepting all aspects of my personality, the good and the bad.
One thing is most certain. I have taken a bit of granada back with me in my heart. It gave me an experience that I will never forget, a poitn of view which will never leave my eyes and a voice which is much more confident and sure of itself. I know now more than ever that I can make a difference on the international community. I know now that I need to not give up on american society, that my job as a student activist is desperately needed in this world. I am excited for the opportunity to raise money again this year at Drop Beats Not Bombs, I'm excited to register people to vote, I'm excited to show people that there still is hope for our world, our hope is our communal humanity.
I'm rambling.
Today I went to a job interview. I got the job. Selling gym membershiips.Surprisingly it looks much better than that disasterous promotional modeling shit from new york city. Actually get to use my brain this time, which is awesome. I emailed a woman from the Berks Social Work group and hopefully will be able to help fight for migrant worker's rights (aka make sure they get treated fairly and paid on time/enough.) We'll see of that works out. When I sit still i think about granada, spain and all the wonderful people I met there. It feels like a dream. It feels like both forever ago and just yesterday. at the same time. I am so afraid i will forget. But something tells me that things like this you can't forget.
I feel a bit like christopher columbus. Conquering the West. Sailing into the unknown future and uncharted territory, unknowing of what the future might hold, but charging full speed ahead into the abyss. Although I'll avoid savagely butchering thousands and thousands of people. Sorry, had to throw that in.
I know have a new found interest in countries that previously were "scary". Countries that our president calls "Axis of Evil". I am not interested in politics. I am interested in people. I am interested because I have met and had conversations with people from Syria, from Siberia, from Lebanon, from Israel, from Bosnia, from Morrocco. I can't say I understand them, because no one can really understand fully the way another culture is without living there and experiencing it first hand. No, i certainly don't understand them, nor do i fully understand their countrys politics. What I have come to understand, however, is that the bonds of humanity really do extend to every differnt country. Sounds obvious, sounds stupid. But the next time that know-it-all preppy asshole or some anarchist political punk kid says "there will never be peace in the middle east, we should just blow it all up" I'll be ready for them. In the US, we are so isolated that we forget the humanity of others. Iraq? Iran? Afghanistan? Syria? We hear all about the terrorists and radicals that come from these countries. We hear about all the anti-american sentiment, we hear about how they mistreat the women, how they strap bombs to themselves and kill everything and everyone. We talk about these countries as if they were all desert and warzone. We don't realize that we are talking about people's homes. Peoples actual homes with kitchens, and beds and tvs and chairs. Filled with families. Filled with people who are just trying to survive, people who are apart from their government. It occured to me while talking with a man from Siberia, who immediately wrote me off as soon as I mentioned I was american. "we're enemies" he said. And though its to be expected, it just really bugged me that someone could just lump me in with my government like that. And thats when it occured to me. As americans, we do that all the time to people.Not even just to people from other countries: we do it to ourselves. We lump anyone with brown skin into this category of "danger!" I mentioned to my mom that I wanted to go to Lebanon to learn Arabic and she freaked out. Lebanon is too dangerous, the people there are different than us. But the point is that they aren't really that different. Underneath the cultural differences, the political restrictions, the warzone and the danger, people are just people.
And so now I don't really know what I want to do with my life. Granada gave me the opportunity to leave everything I knew behind, to put myself in a place so foriegn that even I was a stranger to myself. It broke me apart, and helped me sort out the pieces. And now I am left glueing myself back together, looking at individual parts, keeping the ones I like, changing the ones I don't. It's so strange to be back in my old room. I look around and I don't really fully understand the girl who lived there before. Timid, shy, scared of other people, scared of herself. Unsure of what to do with her life, looking for security and acceptance. That was who I was. And I don't know why I was that way. But this is how I am now. Not completely different (I'm still a little shy, still overly polite and respectful, still softspoken) but different enough that my mother have noticed a change. I guess I just grew up a bit more. There are somethings I am more sure of than ever before: 1. Music is an important part of my life. I was silly to leave my violin at home and silly to have quit playing jazz. 2. Many aspects of american culture make me uncomfortable. These aspects are obvious (the size of everything, the point of view of people, the media, the politics etc). 3. Many aspects of american culture make me feel better. These aspects are also obvious (the music, the youth movements, non-profit organizations etc). 3. I must pursue a job that involves international travel. I love meeting people too much to stick to one country. 4. I need to be on my own for many more years before getting in a relationship with anyone. As much as I enjoy being around people, it has been made very clear to me that my independence is most important. Therefore, I need to find a way to live independently and comfortably before I let someone else in my life.
When some people go abroad, it's just a vacation. It's time to go get drunk with american kids in bars in another country. For others, it's a time to learn academics in another system, time to go to a school with an international name, to learn a language in a country. For me, it was much much more than that. I realize now that it was more about meeting people than anything else. To make connections with people who I would have never met. To see perspectives of those whose perspective is ignored by the american public. To put myself in uncomfortable situations, to take risks, to ask questions and seek after something that may only be a feeling, or may be destiny. Studying and living abroad was like looking at myself through a mirror, identifying, observing and accepting all aspects of my personality, the good and the bad.
One thing is most certain. I have taken a bit of granada back with me in my heart. It gave me an experience that I will never forget, a poitn of view which will never leave my eyes and a voice which is much more confident and sure of itself. I know now more than ever that I can make a difference on the international community. I know now that I need to not give up on american society, that my job as a student activist is desperately needed in this world. I am excited for the opportunity to raise money again this year at Drop Beats Not Bombs, I'm excited to register people to vote, I'm excited to show people that there still is hope for our world, our hope is our communal humanity.
I'm rambling.
Today I went to a job interview. I got the job. Selling gym membershiips.Surprisingly it looks much better than that disasterous promotional modeling shit from new york city. Actually get to use my brain this time, which is awesome. I emailed a woman from the Berks Social Work group and hopefully will be able to help fight for migrant worker's rights (aka make sure they get treated fairly and paid on time/enough.) We'll see of that works out. When I sit still i think about granada, spain and all the wonderful people I met there. It feels like a dream. It feels like both forever ago and just yesterday. at the same time. I am so afraid i will forget. But something tells me that things like this you can't forget.
I feel a bit like christopher columbus. Conquering the West. Sailing into the unknown future and uncharted territory, unknowing of what the future might hold, but charging full speed ahead into the abyss. Although I'll avoid savagely butchering thousands and thousands of people. Sorry, had to throw that in.
posted by Jessica | 10:00 PM
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