2 Españas?

I´ve been talking to a lot of people about the history of spain, spanish culture and more particularly, the way in which the history of spain has affected the culture and political climate of the country. One of the things that I have found to be most interesting is the way in which different people see history in different ways. I know that sounds really trite and obvious, but it´s strange for me to observe because I am not a member of this society. And so it allows me to stop and reflect on how we as people create stories of our past and our lives to justify our personalities, our political and social persuasions etc.

Specifically, I´ve been running into this idea of the ¨Dos Españas¨very much in my Civilization and Culture class. It´s something that the professor has really pounded into our heads, the ¨fact¨ that spain is divided mainly into two parts, and has been divided in these two parts since the civil war. We watched a documentary the other day about the effect of the civil war and Franco´s reign on the culture of spain, how there is just so much hate between both sides that seems to still exist today. He tells us that it is the hateful struggle between the right wing and the left wing that divides spain, and has divided spain, and always will divide spain. This seemed to make sense to me-- as a part of the minority liberals in the US, I could really understand why there would have to be opposing political sides. It´s like if there isn´t opposition, then you aren´t getting the whole picture. And so I just sort of swallowed what the professor told me, that the whole ¨dos españas¨concept is correct and is spurred from the division of spain during the civil war.

But I was wrong. When I went back to my apartment and hinted to my host mom and host brother that we had covered the topic of the two spains in class, they got really upset. They weren´t upset at me, they were more upset at the fact that I had been presented this very one-sided, and to use their words (roughly translated of course) ¨backwards¨ view of history. They believe that the civil war is in the past and should be kept in the past. They brought up the opinion that the united states had a civil war too, but we have gotten over it. It´s in the past, and what makes the US such a strong country is that it has reunited and put the past where it belongs.My host mom told me about how some people on the left are trying to tie in the terrorism problems of today to the civil war. Apparently, when some of the families of those who were killed in the Madrid train bombings confronted the president about it, he told them (something like) ¨I too lost family members in the war.¨ My host family contends that his comment was completely irrelevent and disrespectful, that the civil war was one thing, and that the new political struggle is something else.

My civilization and culture professor wants me to write a paper about the hateful struggle between the ¨dos españas¨ and I intend to. But to me, what he believes to be a hateful struggle, I believe to be a normal occurance of a healthy democracy. We have a struggle between the right and the left wing in the united states. Sometimes the left comes out on top, other times the right. Sometimes radicals get into power (like right now) and sometimes centrists. And as much as I really don´t like conservatives, as much as I really think that social conservatives are ridiculous and uneducated, as much as I believe that economic conservatives are greedy and inhumane, the beauty of democracy is that without them, I wouldn´t have a clear idea of what I believe is right. You can´t have super conservative without having super liberal. I have begun to realize that the natural order of things balance eachother out. There is a distinction to be made between two opposing and hateful sides, and two opposing sides which balance eachother out. And from what I have observed (but I could be completely wrong here) is that any hatred that exists between the opposing sides is as common as the hatred that might exist between the north and the south in america (ie: there is tension, but real hatred is quite rare). And so I think the professor´s concept of ¨dos españas¨is false. It seems to me that the division of spain is not a social/political one based on the civil war. If there is a division, it simply is that some people still see ghosts of the past, while others consider it dead and gone.

All this should be taken with a grain of salt. I am in no way saying that I am correct. I really don´t know much about the history of spain, the culture and political climate. But that is why i am here-- to learn about it. I feel like I have a pretty interesting advantage to observe the social/political climate simply because I am an outsider, because I am like a clean slate and I enter it with no preconcieved notions, no biases towards one side or another.

All this talking about political and social conflicts has given me the rare opportunity to look back at all I have done in the US for political and social change. My political and economic self-concept has changed so drastically over the years, it´s hard to believe that I´ve actually become more conservative in my old age. I´ve spoken to a lot of communists and anarchists while i´ve been here. I never thought that I would be so uncomfortable talking to leftists. After thinking about it for a bit, I´ve come to the realization that extreme anything is not a good idea. Democracy is supposed to be for the people. And people are generally in the center about most things. Therefore, the ideal government should be one that is moderate, central political and listens to the people.

Also, I´ve realized that I really am very much a pragmatist. I think the best solutions are the most simple ones. It´s like, if you´re writing a paper in pencil, and you spell something wrong, you don´t have to throw away the whole sheet of paper. The better, more civilized thing to do would be to use the eraser and correct only the flaw. It´s like, to me, there is nothing inherently good about communism or bad about capitalism, for example. What decides whether or not a system is good is the people running the system-- the way in which the system is applied. And so, in my situation, I´ve come to acknowledge that I am from the US, a very high paced capitalist system which usually results in class warfare etc-- you´re either rich or you´re not. And so instead of me whining about the way things ¨should¨be or talking about what is ¨fair¨and ¨right¨ I would rather spend my time and energy finding a way to survive within the system that does not compromise my values. For example, I study psychology because I have a concern for other people. I could be studying psychiatry,(because it pays more) but it is not consistent with my beliefs about mental health and humanity.In short, I think there´s really no point in scrapping an entire system just because it is being run by greedy bastards right now. I´ve found myself trying to explain this to the extreme leftists. They just don´t get it. It´s like all they want to do is fight. I just want to live in peace.

When my host mom talks about the president of spain, her words sound so familiar because she is saying exactly what my friends and I say about the president of the us-- that he´s got his own agenda and is not listening to the voice of the people, but is rather listening to the voice of a loud and radical minority. It´s incredible that we can be two different countries, two different histories, two different cultures but still be struggling with the same problem, the problem being a footsoldier who wants a legitimate voice in the world.

Poetry and the nueva vista

Gustavo (the argentinian percussionist) called me and wanted me to perform poetry with him tonight. I prepared a couple of poems, but all are in english because I´m not ready to be writing quality poetry in spanish yet :). I had breakfast with my host brother this morning, and there was an awkward silence at first. He´s a very intimidating person, it is very clear to me that he is opinionated and stubborn in his ideas. But I decided that I needed to talk to him, since we were sitting at the same table. So I told him about how I was going to read some poetry at the teteria tonight. Surprisingly, he was just incredibly delighted at the fact that I write poetry. (roughly translated): ¨It´s just that kids nowadays, it´s like they´ve lost the ability to fill themselves with creativity, and so it leaves this empty space that they try to fill by doing drugs and drinking and acting all crazy.¨ He seemed really down about the youth and the future (which is pretty common). He told me about how in seville, all the kids got together to have a party, and so many people showed up and that it was sad that they were getting together to drink and not do something productive. But then I told him about what I´ve been doing at my college, how we have protest parties that fuse the two together and how I´ve been realizing that young people really aren´t so bad, they´re just lazy. I told him about how we raised 1000 dollars at one party and how we donated it to local charities and how we would go to parties and concerts and register people to vote there. I told him that its not that my generation is apathetic it´s just that we are lazy. But if we are given an opportunity to do something that will make a difference and at the same time is quick, easy, and/or fun, we´ll do it. He told me that He hoped I could start a trend in the US with the youth, and that the trend would come to Europe.

Then I went to the teteria and read my poetry while Gustavo played the drums. Afterwards, a spanish couple approached me and said that even though they only understood some words, they really enjoyed hearing the sound of the poetry and that they felt really emotionally moved by the whole experience. They had never heard of slam before, and when I tried to explain that it was really popular form of poetry in the US, they were surprised that it was considered poetry at all. The woman said that she really thought it was just beautiful and put her in a trance state. It was really nice to hear that poetry can transcend langauge.

Cross cultural humor?

I´ve been learning alot about the typical clashes between cultures during my stay here. One of the most intriguing and bizarre clashes I have experinced is the difference in humor. For example, I spent a good part of last night talking to a bunch of spanish snow boarders. And while I could understand most of what they were saying, I was completely left in the dark when they started telling jokes. I noticed the same problem arises in my advanced grammar class (which is not, by any stretch of the imagination a grammar class). The professor will make some kind of comment, and its obvious by the tone of her voice that it is a joke, and yet it just simply goes right over my head. The words would translate perfectly in my head, but there is something lacking behind them, a cultural feeling and understanding that I cannot yet grasp. And so I am left to wonder if humor really is a social/cultural thing, rather than something that we as humans share as part of our curious nature.

It is a relevent topic, I think, to be writing about now, as I have been engaging in discussion with many people about recent repercussions of the controversial cartoon. And it´s interesting how much background can influence the way someone sees the situation. One of my friends, a christian (a liberal one) from the US stated something along the lines that if there was ever any evidence to show how violent that culture is, this would be it. She also mentioned that people always make fun of christianity and get commended for it. A catholic from Spain shared similar sentiments, saying that their violent reaction to humor just shows how disconnected they are. I´ve been exposed to a lot of those perspectives. But then I came across something really interesting on my college´s webpage just now. Kamila Shamsie (a writer-professor-former grad of my school) wrote an op-ed in the New York Times about the subject. This is what she said:

Writing from her native Karachi, Pakistan, Shamsie says "There is nothing but condemnation here for European newspapers' publication of the cartoons... But there are two separate threads to this condemnation. The first relates to the extreme religious offense caused by the cartoons, which has prompted an increasing number of protests, with a worrying trend towards violence," Shamsie wrote. "The second thread to the condemnation concentrates not on the offense itself, but on the motive behind it. The idea that the cartoons were a deliberate provocation to get us to behave badly is being encouraged by officialdom: various political groups have condemned 'the planned conspiracy by the West to instigate the Muslims'; the Foreign Office has said the cartoons are part of 'sinister agendas...'"

And its incredible to think about it from that perspective.Clearly, on the one hand, the authors of the cartoon have the right to produce whatever they would want to produce. But it certainly causes one to wonder, what truly were the motivations behind publishing such a contraversial piece-- why about Islam? Why now? Just because you can do something, doesn´t mean you should.

a tea pot, el rey and other things

So I'm not even going to get into the details of craziness that was my Friday Night in Granada. But I will briefly tell some stories about it. Laney, Sara and Matt decided to have a sunset tea party for their neighbor's children on friday. The catch was, the kids had to come in costume, and bring their most favorite food in the world with them. Everyone was all dressed up in crazy masks and things. So I went over the house at around 6:00pm and helped make sandwiches and stuff like that. But then we realize that we don't have a tea pot. So Laney and I walk down to the Arab Markets to buy a tea pot. We get to this one store, where a very charismatic store owner greets us and proceeds to enthusiastically sell Laney the tea pot. The problem was, that Laney only had 8 euro and the teapot cost 10. So I offered to give her the two euro, just because I'm always over her house and I eat all her food etc. Well the owner thought it was so nice that he gave us mulit colored friendship bracelets as gifts. He cerimoniously tied the bracelets around our wrists with three knots ("uno, dos, tres deseos, vale?") which gave us three wishes. He then asked us to please bring him some of the food from the tea party after it was over.

Later that night, I joined Laney, Matt and Sara at the house for some music and wine and chocolate. They were passing the guitar around and everyone had to do an improvizational song. Sara and Laney have great singing voices and Matt can play the guitar quite well, so I felt a little... awkward. But they said it was my turn and that I had to do something. So I did a little improv. poetry reading, which turned out quite well even though I usually don't do things like that. After a bit of singing and flamenco dancing (trying to do flamenco dancing) we decided to go out for the night. They were still in costume, I was not. So Laney let me borrow this beautiful dress that made me look like a 1930's film star (or so they said...) So we went out in costume: Laney with a crazy carnival mask, sara dressed in a beautiful empire waisted white dress, and me in this prom dress type thing. Matt had the best costume. He cut out a paper crown and wrapped a towel around his neck.

I'm not even going to get into what happened. Or maybe I will. But at a later date....

History, Culture and Civilization

I met up with Laney at la oficina de API and we walked over to Ana’s to sign her up for Flamenco classes. Ana was about to start teaching a beginner class and invited Laney and me to join in! Afterwards, Laney paid the amount for 8 classes, and I offered to pay for the class that I had just sat in on (it was not one of the 8 that I had paid for) but Ana declined, saying that it was her gift to me. Que simpatica! Pienso que voy a asistir clases con Laney. I decided to take classes with Laney and not with the other girls because Laney and I spend more time together, so we can practice outside of class and not feel silly. After that, I stayed in the apartment and relaxed a bit. Meditated a little and just thought about everything I’ve seen for the past couple of months. I’ve been noticing a lot of tension here between the arabs and some of the christian citizens. I don’t know if this has just started to happen, but I have the feeling that there are some deep seated conflicts between the different cultures of granada. I’ve been learing about the History of granada in class, and it’s strange because the way they teach it, or at least the way I understand them to be teaching it, is from the angle that the muslims had this land long before the christians, and then the christians conquered it during the Reconquista (to them, they were taking back the land, even though it wasn’t theirs in the first place…?) Therefore, Granada, the last muslim kingdom of Europe, was conquered by the Reyes Catolicos, who then forced all the muslims out. I imagine it was heartbreakingly violent, and of course all of this occurred in 1492. I have heard that the day Christopher Columbus finally got approval from the Queen was the last day the muslims and jews had to get out of granada. I wonder if she was just so fed up with everything that she just let him have the ships to shut him up. I don’t know, just speculating. It must have been chaos, the ports must have been a disaster. And this earthshattering tragedy for so many people is completely ignored by so many Americans (perhaps because it doesn’t apply directly to us, because we need things to be personal and direct, not applicable to some far off place that most don’t even know where it is on a map.) Like, all we know is “in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue” but really so much more happened than that. 1492 was a hell of a year. This angle of history is so sad to me, especially since I am here in Granada while I am learning about it.. it seems so much more personal this way.

It’s hard to describe, but this place is so beautiful, I can understand why people were willing to die for it and I can understand why they would want it back. It’s just such a hard judgement, since the western world does not work so much in monarchies as it does democracy, so it is difficult to say who the land belongs to. I wish it was neutral, as if the land is free and truly belongs to no one. It would be better that way. But then the problems of government, social justice and economics arise. The dramatic scruff of human troubles seem to ruin everything that has the potential to be perfect and simple. But I am no anarchist. I am not so naïve as to assume that people are responsible to conduct themselves responsibly in a global society, without laws or a central government, without a secure economy. I know that would be disaster. This is, I suppose, the tragedy of life.

Woah

I still amazes me sometimes how beautiful this city is. I think I've gotten over the honey-moon stage, where everything is wonderful, the people are wonderful, the food is wonderful etc. I know that this city has its problems too. One of my friends got mugged yesterday while walking through the Albayzin. He was by himself (i think) and it was at 5 am. So even though it wasn't very smart of him, it occurred in a well-lit area, and so I think i'm going to be a little bit more careful now.

To get myself out of the blah slump that I was in yesterday, I decided to walk around and take in some sun. It's been absolutely beautiful here, in the 60's and sunny all week. The mountains here are absolutely incredible, especially in the sun. They look unreal, like cardboard cutouts on the set of an old fashioned hollywood film. Occassionally I get the feeling of being in a dream, or in a play, like all of this is something I'm just watching, rather than doing. But when that happens I know I just need to slow down a little bit and stop being so overwhelmed. So to prove it to myself that this is something that I am doing, not just observing, I went on a randomness spree. On a whim I decided to start taking flamenco lessons with three of my friends. So I went to the studio, signed up and then went shoe shopping with the other girls. I randomly went with Patty to get my hair cut at some beauty school by her apartment.
Patty and i started talking about it, and we discovered that both of us have a secret obsession with spanish hair! So we decided to get our hair cut at a beauty school by her apartment. She had them dye her hair earlier this week and it turned out well, so Three hours later and a lot of handgestures (no mullett!), I come out looking significantly less.. well... like myself. I like it a lot. It's just one of those things where you look in the mirror and you see someone completely different. Kind of freaky.

I had my first flamenco lesson later last night at 9pm. I was a little bit nervous because the lesson was not with my friends (they had already taken two lessons, and I was behind) But when I got there the instructor was muy simpatica and the other girls were very funny as well. All american (of course) but with a different program. I feel a little weird doing somethng like flamenco because it seems like the touristy thing to do. But i've studied it in the past (the music history etc) and I think it's interesting. Also, I feel like i need some form of excersize since my host mom keeps feeding me so much! API told her that I was a strict vegetarian (?!) and that I don't eat sugar. I talked with her yesterday and cleared it up. the problem is, however, that my compañera is a strict vegetarian as well, and refuses to eat any fish, yogurt, or any meat other than chicken. So we get lots of potatoes, which is ok except it's all carbs. And hence my need for exercise.

When I finished class, I walked back to my apartment and got a call from some of my friends who were at a tapas bar near my apartment. They were having a little goodbye-get together for a boy who Amanda met in Madrid and then ran into him again in Granada. We went tapas-hopping for a while, stopped by the jazz club where this guy playing upright bass sounded absolutely amazing, but we didn't go in because the cover was 6 euro (i guess 6 euro is ok to spend on beer but not on jazz.. que lastima!)

Today in my rennaisance/baroque literature class, I fell in love with rennaisance/baroque literature! The professor was just talking really quickly and she seems really wonderful except I can't understand anything she's saying because her accent is so thick. It's a little upsetting. But then she read this poem called "Romance de La Pérdida de Alhama":

Paseábase el rey moro — por la ciudad de Granada
desde la puerta de Elvira — hasta la de Vivarrambla.
—¡Ay de mi Alhama!—

Cartas le fueron venidas — que Alhama era ganada.
Las cartas echó en el fuego — y al mensajero matara,
—¡Ay de mi Alhama!—

Descabalga de una mula, — y en un caballo cabalga;
por el Zacatín arriba — subido se había al Alhambra.
—¡Ay de mi Alhama!—

Como en el Alhambra estuvo, — al mismo punto mandaba
que se toquen sus trompetas, — sus añafiles de plata.
—¡Ay de mi Alhama!—

Y que las cajas de guerra — apriesa toquen el arma,
porque lo oigan sus moros, — los de la vega y Granada.
—¡Ay de mi Alhama!—

Los moros que el son oyeron — que al sangriento Marte llama,
uno a uno y dos a dos — juntado se ha gran batalla.
—¡Ay de mi Alhama!—

Allí fabló un moro viejo, — de esta manera fablara:
—¿Para qué nos llamas, rey, — para qué es esta llamada?
—¡Ay de mi Alhama!—

—Habéis de saber, amigos, — una nueva desdichada:
que cristianos de braveza — ya nos han ganado Alhama.
—¡Ay de mi Alhama!—

Allí fabló un alfaquí — de barba crecida y cana:
—Bien se te emplea, buen rey, — buen rey, bien se te empleara.
—¡Ay de mi Alhama!—

Mataste los Bencerrajes, — que eran la flor de Granada,
cogiste los tornadizos — de Córdoba la nombrada.
—¡Ay de mi Alhama!—

Por eso mereces, rey, — una pena muy doblada:
que te pierdas tú y el reino, — y aquí se pierda Granada.
—¡Ay de mi Alhama!—

Which basically is about the last moorish king of Granada right before he lost Granada to the Christians. Very sad. She read it to us and then she started to sing it (apparently its a song!) and tap on the desk for us. It was so random, but so wonderful. I have such mixed feelings about that class because I am very interested in it, but it is very hard and I can't really follow what she is talking about. But for some reason, I really like it anyway. Like when she read us that poem, it was so obvious that she really loved teaching literature that I got chills. She's a very strange lady, older and has a very stoic face. She doesn't show much emotion, and speaks mostly in a monotone voice. But when she reads poetry everything changes. And I just think it's incredible.

Tonight I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do. There is a chance I might go to a jazz bar with some of my friends and just chill out a little bit. But then again, it's thursday night, I don't have classes tomorrow and I'm in spain with a bunch of crazy americans. So I can't be too sure what will happen!

Baroque literature and Lemon trees

Went to class this morning. My Baroque literature professor is very interesting. She's this older woman, and has a very thick andalusian accent that I adore, but it is very hard to understand. When I came into the class this morning, I had every intention of dropping it, just because i was intimidated and i've never read baroque literature before. But the way in which she talked about it to the class was just fascinating. She kept saying little tag phrases like "dudar es saber" You could really tell that she was really passionate about literature. And so I think i'm going to keep the class. The POE class (advanced grammar) was really cool. I'm glad I switched into the advanced program because I really feel like it is the perfect level for me. but before she would let me into the class, she said I needed a form that showed the university had approved the change in levels. So i walked to the API office and asked them for the form. They said that i needed to go to the secretary's office at the university and ask for it. So i walked back to the university and asked the secretary for the form. She gave me the form for two of my classes, but not the third. She said i had to go back to API and tell them to email the university. I decided to do it later, and I went to the POE class, which was fine.
So much paperwork!! But now I believe that all my classes are sorted out, and that everything is good.
Afterwards, I walked with Laney around the Cathedral, where we checked out a little store that was selling flowers and herbs. Outside there was a three foot tall lemon tree. It was bright green and had tiny drops of lemons hanging from the branches. It was so beautiful. Laney wanted to buy it but it was 130 euro. She pleaded with the owner but she couldn't negotiate a better price. So we bought some rosemary, mint, thyme and basil plants instead to plant on her terrace. We wandered around the plaza for a bit.
Later, we went out and had some tapas at a bar near the school. We chatted about taking flamenco classes and salsa dancing and carnival. There was an old man sitting next to us at the bar, a little drunk i think, but singing along happily to the flamenco music that was playing in the background. It was very cute. After dinner, Laney and Sara called me to go out, but I decided to stay in because I was so tired. The days have been speeding up a bit and I just needed some time to take it all in and slow things down. I think the rest was well needed.

Ice Cream and Jazz Cafes

Was feeling kind of down today. I'm not quite sure why. I had dinner at Laney's and Sara's tonight.. I'm convinced that Laney is the best cook in all of Granada. After bundeling me up in some sweaters and scarves (it is cold in the albayzin, i'd say drops at least 10 degrees at night, and I did not take it into consideration that i might need a jacket.) She took me to the hostel where I am trying to get a room for Semana Santa. Apparently, I'm kind of late with making the reservations because Semana Santa is just a really crazy time for Granada. I'm supposed to go back tomorrow morning to work out all the details. Hopefully it will work out, but we will see. After meeting the owners of the hostel (A french-canadian and an american, both very simpatico, but neither of whom speak any spanish), Sara went Salsa dancing (a little disappointed, i think, that I declined to go with her... just not in the salsa dancing mood tonight). Laney took me to get some ice cream at this adorable cafe kind of by the cathedral, but I have no idea where exactly. The ice cream was amazing and just what i needed I think. We walked around that area for a little bit, stopped to listen to some hippies play in a drum circle on the Cathedral steps, went into a cafe where occasionally there is an open mic for spoken word and poetry performances (though not tonight).

It's crazy. I used to crave schedules, knowing exactly where i have to be at an exact time. But now, it's like I don't even want to know. I don't want to have to be anywhere. I just want to wander and discover and do what i need to do on my own time. I still like to be organized, i think, but the urgency isn't there anymore. It's like, i'll figure things out when i have to.

Laney dropped me off at the Correos where I walked home and she met Mateo at the fountain nearby. Not so sad anymore, but not quite happy either. Just content.

Las islas canarias!

I went to the canary islands last weekend. i'm so glad i went. i have to admit that at first i was really really hesitant because i really hate the idea of doing the whole tourist thing, especially since Granada is so wonderful and i would so much rather stay here than do anything else. But after we arrived, and i got to wear a tanktop and be in 80 degree sunshine, my mind changed a little bit :). It was so refreshing and exactly what I needed.
Going to the islands really gave me time to get away from everything and just think about where i was in my life and where i am going. I've come to realize that in order to move on in my life i really need to let go a little bit of what i left behind in the united states. It's hard because i love all of my friends there so much, but I think being here in Spain and really immersing myself in culture here and discovering other levels to my personality requires me to let go of all the culture i am holding on to from the united states. it's weird to think of culture as something that you can have, obtain or get rid of. Usually we talk about culture as being something that a country has, something that we need to absorb or something that is shocking to us. Like culture shock is supposed to be this huge deal that hits us all at the beginning of our travels, but then we get used to it after a week or so and life goes on. But lately i've been noticing the little bits of american culture that i carry with me throughout my daily life here in spain. For example, I get frustrated when I am crossing the street and some moped almost chops my head off. I get angry because s/he should've stopped at the crosswalk. Then I get upset because i think about how in the united states that wouldn't have happened because we don't have mopeds and people usually follow the traffic laws. But that frustration is coming from the fact that i am not used to being in spain, the fact that my brain sees crosswalk annd automatically thinks that it is safe to cross. Little things like that are cultural differences that cause culture shock. I was and still am really amazed at the fact that even though i'm in an entirely different country, people are the same. The people here look like they could be from New York City or Boston or Philadelphia. They just speak spanish. It's interesting how superficially similar some parts of the US and Andalusia are to each other.
My classes started today and I am a little frustrated because the program I am working through failed to sign me up for 2 out of my 5 courses. So as of right now I"m only in 3 courses, which is a huge problem because the deadline to add courses was last week. I'm trying not to flip out about it, because I've noticed here that flipping out doesn't really accomplish very much. But I am getting worried that my classes will not transfer and that I will not recieve credit for being abroad here. And on the one had that would really suck because I am going to university here and taking classes, and i would have to make up a semester. But on the other hand, I've already learned so much spanish and so much about myself that I don't know if going back to school in the States would be the same dull experience. We shall see...

Sorpresas etc..

Talked to eric a lot last night. It’s so tough, I really miss him but I know that I need to let go a littlle bit, at least while I am here. I really need this time to spend for myself, so that I can figure out what I want to do with my life and where I want to be. It ‘s not that I’m looking for a relationship with anyone, or that I’m trying to replace him. I really don’t want to get involved emotionally with anyone here, four months is too short a time to spend it worrying about guys and relationships. And i I told him that. I hope he understand what I mean.

I went to some hostels today and looked up prices. I think I need to reserve the hostel for him a head of time for semana santa because that’s a busy time for granada. I also found some places that we can go, like a little hiking trail up to the alhambra and all that jazz. Last night I talked with a older columbian astronomer, who told me that “no debes llevar lleno al monaña” which means sometihng like you shouldn’t bring wood to the mountain. He explained to me that I am young and I need to be free, not just in spain, but for as long as I need to be free. He kept saying that life is full of surprises “la vida tiene surpresas, que sorpresas tiene la vida!” or something like that. He was a strange guy, he looked like a crazy professor with john lennon glasses and a tweed blazer. Talking to him made me feel a little unsure about things, but in a way it made me feel better too.

Laney says that this isn’t the real world, that the real world for her is back in the states and that granada is her alternate universe. And although sometimes it does feel like an alternate universe, I don’t agree with her that this is not real life. Of course it is real. It’s as real as life in the states at least. But lately I’ve been getting these feelings of waking up from a dream. Like suddenly I wake up and I realize ‘this is it, this is my life. I’ll never be here right now doing this right now again’ At first it was very scary. Like I am not doing enough. It used to fill me with a sense of urgency and the need to cling to every moemnt. But lately I’ve been embracing it, meditating on it and letting the feeling just be there and I’ve realized that my problem isn’t that I’m dreaming all the time. It’s that I’m trying too hard to hodl on to the current moment. If I just let the moment be, just acknowledge it, cherish it and then let it go, it is so much more valuable that way. It’s differnet than doing what people call “living for the moment” because it’s not hasty and not random. It’s not thrill seeking. Its not seeking anything. It’s just accepting this moment, this second for exactly what it is: temporary, wonderful but at the same time nothing special.

I hiked around the albayzin today with Amanda. I really like her because I feel like I can practice my spanish with her and she doesn’t judge me if I can’t remember a word. she just lets me think about it and then if I still cant remember she tells me to describe it using other words. Which is difficult if the word is an abstract nown. But it all seems to work out in the end. I like amanda because she is very independent, and at the same time I think she understands where I’m coming from, and what I’m trying to accomplish while I’m here. I hope to spend more time with her.